Hanging on to “Resentment” in our hearts does not serve us in any way.

Letting go of resentment is difficult because doing so invites us to mentally and emotionally deal with the source of our anger.
When we stop blaming, we need to recognize that our need to hold someone or something responsible for our feelings has harmed us. We thought we were coping with our hurt feelings where in fact we were holding onto our hurt with a vice grip.
When we are angry and resentful we need to shift our attention away from those we resent and back toward ourselves by exploring what we need?
People will often say…but I express my needs and the other person doesn’t listen, gets defensive, or doesn’t try to understand. Maybe the other person is triggered too and they don’t know how to sit down and learn to repair in a relationship. Some people have never had a safe place to discuss feelings or needs. Meanwhile you can ask yourself some questions like how important is this issue for me? Have I expressed this from a gentle, more vulnerable place? Why does this trigger me so much? Does this relate to my history? Trying to see things from another’s perspective can also help. Can I have more compassion for myself or the other person?
Remember we can get addicted to “turning away” too. This can lead to other behaviours that don’t help repair in a relationship.
Holding on to resentment has also been linked to an increasing blood pressure, heart rate and your nervous system. These issues can cause health issues over time.
So when we have tried to communicate our needs and feelings. When we have practised having boundaries, explored our feelings and taken the other person’s feelings into consideration and it still is difficult or feels stuck..it may be time for help! Counsellors can help build resilience, teach new tools and create safety to move yourself or your relationship with yourself and others forward.

Understanding Relationship Patterns & our History

When we are children we have some core emotional needs. This includes being SAFE, LOVED and having BOUNDARIES. When a child feels safe they see the world as a safe place. There is some predictability. Adults are able to regulate their emotions. There isn’t any violence, sexual abuse, emotional neglect etc. So what if we didn’t feel safe as children? How does this impact our relationships and behaviour as adults?
If I felt unsafe as a child, do I avoid going outside my comfort zone? Do I attempt to control people or my environment? Do I self medicate with drugs or alcohol? These are a few of the patterns that may show up.
In Love, did we feel special enough, loved, or important? There is a difference in knowing we are loved vs feeling loved. Was it conditional based on performance or a smothering love? Maybe we didn’t get enough love?
How might this show up as an adult? Do we obsess over our appearance to be loveable? Are you able to let love in from others? Are you able to be loving and gentle with yourself? Do you pick people that are unavailable and keep feeling abandoned?
Finally Boundaries, did our parents love us enough to say NO? Boundaries tell us that we are safe. Did we experience rigid inflexible boundaries or no boundaries at all? As a parent it is more work to hold boundaries. Did our parents have boundaries but could they also be responsive to the situation?
Boundaries teach us inner strength. How to stand up for ourselves. If we didn’t receive good, responsive, clear boundaries as children we may not learn how to be safe or self disciplined as an adult. This can show up in financial difficulties, having issues with commitment, or not having the strength to go after the things that we desire.
The great news is that we can cultivate these capabilities. Life gives us lots of opportunities to grow. Coming to counselling can help us understand our patterns, recognize our triggers and develop a sense of safety, feeing loved and an ability to learn and practice boundaries in our lives.

The Science of Parenting

The Science of Parenting

The Science of Parenting

‘Having spent 30 yrs. as a counsellor working with parents of all backgrounds, what stands out for me is that parental frustrations is the result of parents held captive by the pre-programmed practices/neural pathways from their childhoods. Parents react to their childs behavior and will often react in a way that doesn’t match the childs or the parents needs in the present situation. Instead of trying to understand and be curious about what is happening for themselves or their child which includes emotional connection between the parent and child, the parent reacts based on past conditioning.

An example of this could be a child ignores a parent’s direction – instead of recognizing that the child is not purposely being defiant or disrespectful, the parent reacts to the imagined disrespectful defiance which may mimic the responses of his/her own parents in childhood. Even if the behavior was defiant, an angry, aggressive response would be out of proportion to the needs of the situation rather than a compassionate, patient, curious response which could have resolved the issue and would be more beneficial to the child.

The truth is that kids are meant to experiment with boundaries and getting their way. Parents need to learn to firmly yet kindly insist on cooperation, yet they also need to preserve the emotional trust and connection. Children are learning from parents modelling. Parents have been held hostage to their past conditioning. So what if a parent has had severe trauma? If a trauma pattern was created in their childhood when they were young and they were made to feel helpless, powerless, and desperately dependent without feelings of safety, connection and love, we will often see patterns that are getting in the way of emotional safety. When we overlook our child’s emotional needs, the child feels a sense of not mattering, not being worthy of love, not learning about our true self because our environment is not validating our reality. The deeper work then is helping parents deal with their trauma and understanding what impacts their thinking and reactions to situations that occur in their current life situations. As parents heal and grow, they are better equipped to respond to their children’s needs and develop healthy communication with clear, kind and firm boundaries.

Depression

Depression

Depression

Kelowna is a beautiful place to live but it is hard to appreciate the daily things in our lives when we are struggling with depression. Let’s say that after years of working for a company you are laid off or get fired. You would feel sad, tired and emotionally drained. You would probably feel sadness for a few days or more as you deal with the difficult feelings and adjust to the changes. But what if the sadness lasts for more than a few weeks and you start noticing that it is affecting your life in a big way.

The onset of depression can happen after a significant loss, during life changes or we may just notice a chronic low grade energy that is negatively impacting our lives. We may have started to turn away from the activities or daily practices in our lives that made us feel better. We can’t just snap out of depression or make it go away but we can get the professional help, support and guidance we need to get to our next better step. Contact Annette Adkin (Counsellor in Kelowna)

Addiction

Addiction

Addiction

Though living in Kelowna has many opportunities to connect and enjoy outdoor activities it also has many people who are feeling distressed and disconnected. Being distressed and not coping with lifes challenges can lead to addiction. People are trying to soothe their uneasiness and feel better. One of the biggest reasons people are prone to addiction is the presence of childhood trauma. It is great to have a few drinks by the lake or at an event in the Okanagan, but what if this leads to too many drinks, a disconnect in my relationship or consequences that I don’t feel great about afterwards.

There are 7 main addictions which are food, sex, drugs, alcohol, technology, money and unhealthy relationship patterns but for today we will focus on alcohol. When someone struggles with an addiction, they need to learn more about coping strategies and skills to help them. I also talk about recovery meaning recovering the parts of myself that were missing from my childhood. In my practice I talk about being addicted to turning away from myself and things that are important in my life.

I describe addiction like someone else is driving my car and I am in the back seat saying I don’t think this is a good idea but I continue to do this behavior with negative consequences. If you are ready to make some changes or you just want to gain more knowledge to get to your next better step, contact Annette Adkin. She has over 25 yrs of experience in helping people grow and develop successful practices.

Anxiety

Anxiety

Busy in Kelowna?

It is normal to feel anxious from time to time, especially if you live a stressful life. But what happens when it moves from regular anxiety to more intense troubling feelings. When anxiety is more chronic and persistent, we start to experience it as a problem. What does that mean? And how do I calm my anxiety? Annette can help you understand anxiety and what you will need to face in order to alleviate these intense, sometimes overwhelming feelings. Annette Adkin has over 25 yrs of experience helping people understand their patterns and to develop tools to manage and overcome life challenges. Does this work?