‘Having spent 30 yrs. as a counsellor working with parents of all backgrounds, what stands out for me is that parental frustrations is the result of parents held captive by the pre-programmed practices/neural pathways from their childhoods. Parents react to their childs behavior and will often react in a way that doesn’t match the childs or the parents needs in the present situation. Instead of trying to understand and be curious about what is happening for themselves or their child which includes emotional connection between the parent and child, the parent reacts based on past conditioning.

An example of this could be a child ignores a parent’s direction – instead of recognizing that the child is not purposely being defiant or disrespectful, the parent reacts to the imagined disrespectful defiance which may mimic the responses of his/her own parents in childhood. Even if the behavior was defiant, an angry, aggressive response would be out of proportion to the needs of the situation rather than a compassionate, patient, curious response which could have resolved the issue and would be more beneficial to the child.

The truth is that kids are meant to experiment with boundaries and getting their way. Parents need to learn to firmly yet kindly insist on cooperation, yet they also need to preserve the emotional trust and connection. Children are learning from parents modelling. Parents have been held hostage to their past conditioning. So what if a parent has had severe trauma? If a trauma pattern was created in their childhood when they were young and they were made to feel helpless, powerless, and desperately dependent without feelings of safety, connection and love, we will often see patterns that are getting in the way of emotional safety. When we overlook our child’s emotional needs, the child feels a sense of not mattering, not being worthy of love, not learning about our true self because our environment is not validating our reality. The deeper work then is helping parents deal with their trauma and understanding what impacts their thinking and reactions to situations that occur in their current life situations. As parents heal and grow, they are better equipped to respond to their children’s needs and develop healthy communication with clear, kind and firm boundaries.

Kelowna is a beautiful place to live but it is hard to appreciate the daily things in our lives when we are struggling with depression. Let’s say that after years of working for a company you are laid off or get fired. You would feel sad, tired and emotionally drained. You would probably feel sadness for a few days or more as you deal with the difficult feelings and adjust to the changes. But what if the sadness lasts for more than a few weeks and you start noticing that it is affecting your life in a big way.

The onset of depression can happen after a significant loss, during life changes or we may just notice a chronic low grade energy that is negatively impacting our lives. We may have started to turn away from the activities or daily practices in our lives that made us feel better. We can’t just snap out of depression or make it go away but we can get the professional help, support and guidance we need to get to our next better step. Contact Annette Adkin (Counsellor in Kelowna)

Though living in Kelowna has many opportunities to connect and enjoy outdoor activities it also has many people who are feeling distressed and disconnected. Being distressed and not coping with lifes challenges can lead to addiction. People are trying to soothe their uneasiness and feel better. One of the biggest reasons people are prone to addiction is the presence of childhood trauma. It is great to have a few drinks by the lake or at an event in the Okanagan, but what if this leads to too many drinks, a disconnect in my relationship or consequences that I don’t feel great about afterwards.

There are 7 main addictions which are food, sex, drugs, alcohol, technology, money and unhealthy relationship patterns but for today we will focus on alcohol. When someone struggles with an addiction, they need to learn more about coping strategies and skills to help them. I also talk about recovery meaning recovering the parts of myself that were missing from my childhood. In my practice I talk about being addicted to turning away from myself and things that are important in my life.

I describe addiction like someone else is driving my car and I am in the back seat saying I don’t think this is a good idea but I continue to do this behavior with negative consequences. If you are ready to make some changes or you just want to gain more knowledge to get to your next better step, contact Annette Adkin. She has over 25 yrs of experience in helping people grow and develop successful practices.