Hanging on to “Resentment” in our hearts does not serve us in any way.

Letting go of resentment is difficult because doing so invites us to mentally and emotionally deal with the source of our anger.
When we stop blaming, we need to recognize that our need to hold someone or something responsible for our feelings has harmed us. We thought we were coping with our hurt feelings where in fact we were holding onto our hurt with a vice grip.
When we are angry and resentful we need to shift our attention away from those we resent and back toward ourselves by exploring what we need?
People will often say…but I express my needs and the other person doesn’t listen, gets defensive, or doesn’t try to understand. Maybe the other person is triggered too and they don’t know how to sit down and learn to repair in a relationship. Some people have never had a safe place to discuss feelings or needs. Meanwhile you can ask yourself some questions like how important is this issue for me? Have I expressed this from a gentle, more vulnerable place? Why does this trigger me so much? Does this relate to my history? Trying to see things from another’s perspective can also help. Can I have more compassion for myself or the other person?
Remember we can get addicted to “turning away” too. This can lead to other behaviours that don’t help repair in a relationship.
Holding on to resentment has also been linked to an increasing blood pressure, heart rate and your nervous system. These issues can cause health issues over time.
So when we have tried to communicate our needs and feelings. When we have practised having boundaries, explored our feelings and taken the other person’s feelings into consideration and it still is difficult or feels stuck..it may be time for help! Counsellors can help build resilience, teach new tools and create safety to move yourself or your relationship with yourself and others forward.

Understanding Relationship Patterns & our History

When we are children we have some core emotional needs. This includes being SAFE, LOVED and having BOUNDARIES. When a child feels safe they see the world as a safe place. There is some predictability. Adults are able to regulate their emotions. There isn’t any violence, sexual abuse, emotional neglect etc. So what if we didn’t feel safe as children? How does this impact our relationships and behaviour as adults?
If I felt unsafe as a child, do I avoid going outside my comfort zone? Do I attempt to control people or my environment? Do I self medicate with drugs or alcohol? These are a few of the patterns that may show up.
In Love, did we feel special enough, loved, or important? There is a difference in knowing we are loved vs feeling loved. Was it conditional based on performance or a smothering love? Maybe we didn’t get enough love?
How might this show up as an adult? Do we obsess over our appearance to be loveable? Are you able to let love in from others? Are you able to be loving and gentle with yourself? Do you pick people that are unavailable and keep feeling abandoned?
Finally Boundaries, did our parents love us enough to say NO? Boundaries tell us that we are safe. Did we experience rigid inflexible boundaries or no boundaries at all? As a parent it is more work to hold boundaries. Did our parents have boundaries but could they also be responsive to the situation?
Boundaries teach us inner strength. How to stand up for ourselves. If we didn’t receive good, responsive, clear boundaries as children we may not learn how to be safe or self disciplined as an adult. This can show up in financial difficulties, having issues with commitment, or not having the strength to go after the things that we desire.
The great news is that we can cultivate these capabilities. Life gives us lots of opportunities to grow. Coming to counselling can help us understand our patterns, recognize our triggers and develop a sense of safety, feeing loved and an ability to learn and practice boundaries in our lives.